PMS

I hate it when I'm PMSy... it makes me say things that I MEAN, but wouldn't normally actually SAY.

I also hate it when it feels like family comes second... and it pretty much always has for some reason or another in a roundabout way...but what you can do when you're dealing with the military... we chose to become and to have a family and that was that, it had to be second. Now he chooses to volunteer with the fire department and while that is wonderful and valiant and I'm proud of him and blah blah blah, I feel like he does it for the excitement and the adrenaline rush and because he enjoys it. That doesn't take away from what a good deed it is, but... Gah, unless you've been "here" it's hard to explain. Sad thing is, I guess I always knew it would be this way and I hate that it bothers me so much because I want to be the better person.

We were on our way home today and needed to stop and get milk. Mike forgot and we were almost home (I wasn't paying attention, my fault too), but then his pager started going off. Amazingly enough for a structure fire pretty much right where we were. So I ended up sitting in the car with a fussy baby (toddler!!) when it was 7:00, which is BED TIME, while he went to the scene of this call. Which was something-but-nothing...smoke filled house, but simply a pot on the stove that had been forgotten and left on--no actual fire. So, we finally leave from that and go get milk, get home and no sooner do I have Ava out of her carseat does his pager go off again. By that point it's well past bed time and he's about to hand me Charlotte outside and leave. I told him he had to be kidding me. He got upset. I got upset. He spouted off that of course the children come first, and I spouted off that, Um, yeah, they do, and fight over a stupid fire call ensues. He said that fine he wouldn't go and was all pissy about it so I told him to just leave, that I'd rather him go than stay if he was going to be like that. He refused to go because I'd be upset but I was already upset so we just bickered about it. He said fine he'd just let someone die. Now, 98% of the calls are not where someone would die, and granted there is that small percent--but there are other firefighters, and to me it just seems more that he enjoys the thrill and the rush and the not having to deal with bedtime (or whatever else) so my PMSy mouth popped off that "you act like such a saint, but you only do it for the excitement," or something along those lines. And I told him to just go several times and told him he might as well just spend the night at the firehall since he wanted to be there so bad and that I'd been fine handling the kids by myself for 8 months (actually, I've been on my own with one or both for at least a year, probably more--combined...which isn't much when you're talking military), what's another night. And he has brought that up before and I know he doesn't understand how difficult it can be when you're flying solo as a parent because I'm always here...and he just thinks I should be able to do it all. And I can, but it's not IDEAL if he's capable of helping. So, I shouldn't have said any of that. But man...I'd already just sat in the car with Charlotte fussing and it was way past their bedtime, Ava had fallen asleep in the car so now she would be up for awhile and not just go straight to sleep, and I know I've said it before but bedtime is haaaaaaard when it's just one person doing it for both who like to fall asleep on different floors. It takes a whole lot longer and it's really frustrating...and hello, PMS.

I really want to be better about this I just don't know how to get over the feeling of our family not coming first... I think I just have issues. I don't know. Don't know what to do about it either or how to make him understand when I don't totally understand myself... to him it probably just seems like I don't want him to have any fun or I don't care about other people or that I just don't want to handle things at home by myself and neither of those are true, it's just... I feel abandoned when he rushes out the door, when the kids are awake they cry because they want to go to or they don't understand why daddy had to leave (and after 8 months of explaining that daddy would come home and oh hey, who daddy was to Charlotte...it's just hard I guess even if it's only for a few hours), and partly that even if it's for a short time it's his CHOICE to leave, and I don't know. I'm so lame. I wonder if I'll ever get over this whole thing since I doubt it will ever end. Why can't I just look at it the same way I looked at his training and field time and deployment and all that... I guess because it's his choice and those weren't (well, they were, but you know what I mean, I hope, lol)...and at least even the Marine Corps was more predictable than these darn fire calls!! That's saying something!! ;o)

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In other news, I think we're getting a dog. Mike's been wanting on for a long time, and it's pretty much fallen in our lap. My brother's boss just bought a Jug (pug and jack russel mix?), my mom said he's suuuuper cute. Unfortunately my brother's boss's other dog doesn't want anything to do with this new puppy and is not nice to him, so poor puppy is in a cage a lot and that's not fair to him so boss is looking for a new owner. He'll have all his shots and be neutered and all taken care of vet-wise, and Mike and I both don't mind taking him so my brother is going to tell his boss tomorrow. I'm sure potty training him will be a challenge and I wonder if he'll be affected by all the time spent in his crate, but my brother has been around him and my mom has too and they both say he's super sweet and will be great with the kids. I hope so :o) I wanted to wait and get one after Mike has done academy wherever he ends up going (fire or police) but this pup needs a home and will have all his puppy vet needs already taken care of so why not. Hopefully Jack can play nice, lol... I am a bit concerned with how many health problems pugs can have and how hyyyyper and stubborn/aggressive terriers can be though.

Heh...

I find this mildly amusing and at the same time--annoying. So Mike had training with the fire dept today and came home in time to eat dinner. So we ate, he took the kids up for a bath and I was enjoying a few minutes of quiet time (15? maybe? lol), he sends Ava down, starts putting Charlotte to bed. Five minutes later he runs downstairs, plops Charlotte on the couch, and he's gone. Bed time with two toddlers, is NOT easy. Especially when they are 1 and 2 and one only wants to fall asleep on the couch downstairs and the other is rocked to sleep upstairs.

I have been contemplating locking the storm door so he can't get back in.

Heh.

Not to mention the call went off the webcad about an hour ago... and he's still not home. Now THAT annoys me. Big time.


I think I'm going to go watch Tudors now... he keeps saying I don't have to wait for him to watch it, so I won't.

Freezing

Ava was playing in her room today, while Mike was putting Charlotte to sleep for a nap and I was folding/putting away laundry and then going to take a shower. She laid down in her bed and told me she was going to go to sleep. I didn't believe her but I encouraged it and said I hoped she had a good rest and that I was going to take a shower. When I got out of the shower she was still laying in bed with her covers on and she waved to me as I walked past her room. Five minutes later Mike looked in on her and she was asleep. In her bed. SHE WENT TO SLEEP. IN HER BED. BY HERSELF. NO PROMPTING. NO TANTRUMS. ::faints::

lol... total milestone for her! First time she's ever just gone to bed by herself. She takes naps whenever she wants (well, so long as they're not after 4pm, we don't let her then or she won't go to bed before 12, lol), but she falls asleep on the couch...and I just let her fall asleep on the couch at night and carry her upstairs... it's easier that way so she doesn't put up a fuss about going to bed and wake up Charlotte (who goes to bed around 7-8). So this was totally awesome. I hope she keeps it up but I am not counting on that for awhile, lol.


I am freeeeeeezing. I don't know why I've been so cold all day today.

I just had yummy strawberries and whipped cream with a chocolate cookie crumbled over them... so decadent... yum! I pretty much had toast for dinner...and I'm actually still hungry. We went to my parents today so my dad could try to help Mike with some lights for the Explorer...or something...I don't know... boring firefighter electrical man stuff. And the kids are bottomless pits over there. It drives me nuts because I fed them lunch right before we left and they had their bag of snacks for in the car and they still start with the "I'm hungry!" (well, Ava does, Charlotte just get into the lower food cabinets and pulls out food and asks for it, lol). But they ate dry cereal, and apples, and probably two slices of pizza each (adult size slices, lol). So they didn't really want dinner when we got home and I hadn't thawed any meat anyway so I made eggs and toast. Which they also actually did eat once I served it, lol. Bottomless! I swear you'd think I never feed them or something, lol. So I made myself eggs too but then didn't feel like eating them so I just ate my toast and maybe two bites of egg. I will probably snack again soon... lol. Carrot sticks and peanut butter maybe. If Mike didn't eat all the carrot sticks. But what I really want is this. Heh. I have an order for biscotti from my dad and an order for chocolate chip and pumpkin butterscotch cookies from my mom so I guess I'll just have a baking day sometime soon and I'll do those for myself... yep, all for me, hehe. :o) I feel bad making/eating anything with peanut butter for the most part since Charlotte can't have it yet so it's like a special treat almost, lol. Can't wait til she's two. And yet, I most definitely can. ::sigh:: She is at the age now that Ava was when I had her. Crazy. I'm all over the place, huh? lol.

I feel like we've been so busy lately... I want to have a down day tomorrow but I have to go to the grocery store for this week's "deals" and it's Wednesday so Mike's dad and Carol will probably want to come over too since they didn't today... ho hum. I finally got some primer for the bathroom upstairs so we can do the floor, hopefully, sometime this week.

I'm sleepy but I can't go to bed yet. I seriously can not sleep when he's out on a fire call (unless he leaves in the middle of the night and I don't even hear him get up, which has happened a few times...and I hear him when he comes home and climbs in bed again...and then I barely even wake up...and then I wonder how on earth I manage to hear the kids if he can get up and leave and I don't hear a thing...and believe me, he is NOT quiet, lol, even if he tries to be! longest-parenthesis-ever-the-end)... So if I go to bed when he's out on a call I just lay there and don't sleep. Or I watch tv upstairs but Charlotte deprogrammed the remote and the paper with the codes on it is lost and so I have no remote and it sucks to be stuck on one channel and to have to get out from under the snuggly warm covers to switch them around so I'd rather not. So I will just sit up and be sleepy until I can't stand it any more or he comes home. Oh what an exciting life I lead.

Did I post that I cut Charlotte's hair? And Ava's too. I can't remember...just their bangs... Ava can finally have bangs again after her little attempt at being a hair stylist. So I was cutting hers and on a whim I just did Charlotte's too... she looks so much like Ava did at her age and yet so different. It's neat. :o) I need to start taking pictures more often, I've been slacking lately so I don't think I have any with their new hair yet.