I hate it when I'm PMSy... it makes me say things that I MEAN, but wouldn't normally actually SAY.
I also hate it when it feels like family comes second... and it pretty much always has for some reason or another in a roundabout way...but what you can do when you're dealing with the military... we chose to become and to have a family and that was that, it had to be second. Now he chooses to volunteer with the fire department and while that is wonderful and valiant and I'm proud of him and blah blah blah, I feel like he does it for the excitement and the adrenaline rush and because he enjoys it. That doesn't take away from what a good deed it is, but... Gah, unless you've been "here" it's hard to explain. Sad thing is, I guess I always knew it would be this way and I hate that it bothers me so much because I want to be the better person.
We were on our way home today and needed to stop and get milk. Mike forgot and we were almost home (I wasn't paying attention, my fault too), but then his pager started going off. Amazingly enough for a structure fire pretty much right where we were. So I ended up sitting in the car with a fussy baby (toddler!!) when it was 7:00, which is BED TIME, while he went to the scene of this call. Which was something-but-nothing...smoke filled house, but simply a pot on the stove that had been forgotten and left on--no actual fire. So, we finally leave from that and go get milk, get home and no sooner do I have Ava out of her carseat does his pager go off again. By that point it's well past bed time and he's about to hand me Charlotte outside and leave. I told him he had to be kidding me. He got upset. I got upset. He spouted off that of course the children come first, and I spouted off that, Um, yeah, they do, and fight over a stupid fire call ensues. He said that fine he wouldn't go and was all pissy about it so I told him to just leave, that I'd rather him go than stay if he was going to be like that. He refused to go because I'd be upset but I was already upset so we just bickered about it. He said fine he'd just let someone die. Now, 98% of the calls are not where someone would die, and granted there is that small percent--but there are other firefighters, and to me it just seems more that he enjoys the thrill and the rush and the not having to deal with bedtime (or whatever else) so my PMSy mouth popped off that "you act like such a saint, but you only do it for the excitement," or something along those lines. And I told him to just go several times and told him he might as well just spend the night at the firehall since he wanted to be there so bad and that I'd been fine handling the kids by myself for 8 months (actually, I've been on my own with one or both for at least a year, probably more--combined...which isn't much when you're talking military), what's another night. And he has brought that up before and I know he doesn't understand how difficult it can be when you're flying solo as a parent because I'm always here...and he just thinks I should be able to do it all. And I can, but it's not IDEAL if he's capable of helping. So, I shouldn't have said any of that. But man...I'd already just sat in the car with Charlotte fussing and it was way past their bedtime, Ava had fallen asleep in the car so now she would be up for awhile and not just go straight to sleep, and I know I've said it before but bedtime is haaaaaaard when it's just one person doing it for both who like to fall asleep on different floors. It takes a whole lot longer and it's really frustrating...and hello, PMS.
I really want to be better about this I just don't know how to get over the feeling of our family not coming first... I think I just have issues. I don't know. Don't know what to do about it either or how to make him understand when I don't totally understand myself... to him it probably just seems like I don't want him to have any fun or I don't care about other people or that I just don't want to handle things at home by myself and neither of those are true, it's just... I feel abandoned when he rushes out the door, when the kids are awake they cry because they want to go to or they don't understand why daddy had to leave (and after 8 months of explaining that daddy would come home and oh hey, who daddy was to Charlotte...it's just hard I guess even if it's only for a few hours), and partly that even if it's for a short time it's his CHOICE to leave, and I don't know. I'm so lame. I wonder if I'll ever get over this whole thing since I doubt it will ever end. Why can't I just look at it the same way I looked at his training and field time and deployment and all that... I guess because it's his choice and those weren't (well, they were, but you know what I mean, I hope, lol)...and at least even the Marine Corps was more predictable than these darn fire calls!! That's saying something!! ;o)
In other news, I think we're getting a dog. Mike's been wanting on for a long time, and it's pretty much fallen in our lap. My brother's boss just bought a Jug (pug and jack russel mix?), my mom said he's suuuuper cute. Unfortunately my brother's boss's other dog doesn't want anything to do with this new puppy and is not nice to him, so poor puppy is in a cage a lot and that's not fair to him so boss is looking for a new owner. He'll have all his shots and be neutered and all taken care of vet-wise, and Mike and I both don't mind taking him so my brother is going to tell his boss tomorrow. I'm sure potty training him will be a challenge and I wonder if he'll be affected by all the time spent in his crate, but my brother has been around him and my mom has too and they both say he's super sweet and will be great with the kids. I hope so :o) I wanted to wait and get one after Mike has done academy wherever he ends up going (fire or police) but this pup needs a home and will have all his puppy vet needs already taken care of so why not. Hopefully Jack can play nice, lol... I am a bit concerned with how many health problems pugs can have and how hyyyyper and stubborn/aggressive terriers can be though.